I wrote this letter after a few months of really struggling with Diabetes. Really. Struggling. I was frustrated, and tired, and if Diabetes were a job job (because even thought I don’t get paid, it is WORK!) I would have quit a long time ago.
With two growing toddlers at home, a recent move to a new state where I didn’t know anyone, and just juggling all of life’s little details, I felt like I was losing control and my Diabetes was taking a back seat. When I checked my blood sugar, which wasn’t happening often, I saw numbers I didn’t like. My last Hemoglobin A1c was higher than I wanted, and still I was having dangerous lows when I was at home with my kids. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to do better, but didn’t know how. Something had to change for me. I decided to stop all the other things I was doing and focus only on my Diabetes. This was not easy. It was not fun, and I was full of excuses about why I couldn’t do just one more thing. But ultimately, I decided that I wanted to be able to look at my family and say, honestly, that I was doing the very best I could to control my disease and stay healthy.
The first step I took was to write this letter and get it all out.
My Darling Diabetes,
We’ve been together so long now. Almost 19 years–that’s longer than I’ve known my husband. Longer than only a handful of friendships. And somehow we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot. We’ve never celebrated our anniversary… I’ve never even bought you a gift (er, well, can we count the insulin pump?). I think now is the time for honesty. Let me just be honest with you for a moment, k?
For the last few months..years? I’ve resented you. I’ve completely ignored you whenever possible. At parties, out with my friends, during fancy dinners (and oh! the desserts). I’ve thought horrible thoughts about you. I’ve hated you. There, I’ve said it.
And yet, through it all–my teenage tantrums, my adult tantrums, my pregnancy, my near-death-lows and my nauseous-want-to-hurl-highs, you’ve shown unwavering indifference and a steadfast refusal to leave. You’ve stayed with me. I’ve felt victimized by you and powerless against you. My pancreas submitted a long time ago, but now, I suppose, I should let my mind and my heart submit as well. Because, let’s face it, you’re not going anywhere.
Is it too late for us to make amends? I still have all my limbs, vision, and kidney function thank heavens, so I’ll take that as a No. It’s not too late. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
From now on I’m going to try and see you in a more positive light, with a brighter perspective. You challenge me–and who doesn’t love a challenge? ( For the record, I don’t really love challenges and much prefer the easy road, but that’s not really up for grabs here, is it, so why fight it). I’ll try to look at you as a companion, and instead of allowing you to bring out the worst in me, I’ll work to bring out the best in you.
You’re with me every day. Surely there’s something to be said for such devotion. I’ll try to be more accommodating. But you know my cheating ways–tiramisu, chocolate-covered, meringue, dulce de leche, lemon creme, sprinkled, sugared, candy coated, creme filled…deliciousness is hard to resist.
Let’s agree not to beat each other up anymore, Darling Diabetes. Let’s start fresh: Like in any strong relationship, communication is key. I’ll try to check in more often, and you can quit disrespecting me in public (low blood sugar in Target is just not ok.) No more ignoring you. No more giving you the silent treatment or pretending you don’t exist. You have my attention.. Dahhling. I may still curse your name some days, but you’re mine, and I’m yours. I’ll charm your pants off, Diabetes. And when I’m done, I’ll eat dessert. And you’ll like it.
I felt a weight lifted the moment I put the pen down. It was helpful for me to address this disease and take some power back because life was getting in the way and I was feeling beat down!! I would encourage you to try it if you’re feeling like freakin’ Diabetes owns you and you can’t take it anymore. Write it down, get it out, and then move on in a more positive direction.
For the other steps I took to get my Diabetes under control just click here. Don’t wait another day to own your Diabetes. Take your power back! Be a Diabetes Boss!